This is my life now, and I love it.

We had a BBQ for M this Saturday. Some people didn't show up, but the ones that mattered did. Friends and family came from faraway to help us celebrate the new addition to Team Paxton. M was a little withdrawn. He gets nervous around strangers. (Stranger Danger as he would tell me). So he would take off on his own and ride his RipStick around the park until he felt like coming back. He did start to loosen up towards the end. My friends and family are amazing so they didn't push him too much. He bonded with my BFF Terri as he tried to teach her to ride the RipStick. Until she biffed it. Which, actually made them closer I think. He's getting closer to my sisters. Bit by bit. It takes time. He has reason to be apprehensive. It's OK. We have the rest of our lives.

 He's such an amazing young man. He has so much good in him. He is witty and charming when he wants to be. And around us he is totally relaxed and we get to see a side of him no one else does. It makes me feel good to know that he can feel safe with us. Safe to be himself. I do sometimes catch him in an unguarded moment, like if he accidentally breaks something, or makes a mistake. I see his defenses go up, the worry pass over his features. He waits for the backlash, maybe for me to blow up? I understand that wariness. I remember it well even after all these years. So in those moments I laugh it off, help him fix it/clean it up whatever it is and I rub his back or head and say, "Bummer dude. No biggie". And I see the relief on his face, in his body language. Hopefully someday he will understand that this is his safe place. He never has to worry about our reactions. Whatever he does we will deal with it. Hopefully calmly and with patience and love.

We were talking the other day about something or another. Some sort of paperwork we have to do or rule we have to follow and he said, "just until after the adoption right?" It made me happy that he still wants us to adopt him. Yes, I sometimes worry he will change his mind. He's old enough to do that. I worry he may decide we aren't good enough for him. 4 more months. I count them down with bated breath. Will he still agree to adopt us? Will the courts judge in our favor. I can't wait until he is all mine. We get lengthy court documents that mention his family stating they think he shouldn't be adopted. I read it over and over. What if the courts agree? I couldn't take losing him. I love him too much already. I see the love he has for Sara. It's the little things he thinks we don't notice. The way he plays slug bug with her, then when he hits her too hard he rubs her arm gently. Or when he's lying on the couch and she sits at the end and he rubs his toes on her. Not even realizing he's doing it, but craving that physical contact. She's his mom. She's the one he's embarrassed to be seen with at school, just like a real mom, cuz like he told her,  "don't feel bad some boys just don't like to be seen with their moms". He made them matching friendship bracelets. "These are mom and son wristbands", he said. And he hasn't taken his off.

Sara was so nervous that they wouldn't bond. She didn't need to worry. He loves her, anyone can see it. And she is a great mom. She does the shopping, always getting him his favorite things, she does his laundry, we take turns straightening his room up behind him. She takes him swimming or to play basketball. When he has a hard day she talks to him and always seems to know the right thing to say. I feel like that's my weak point. I don't know what to say sometimes. When he tells me he's mad at his previous foster mom I want to reply, "yeah she's a bitch!" But I don't so I kinda stumble around trying to be politically correct. I hope I get it figured out soon. I don't want to be the weak link. He loves to tease me about how old I am. "Ancient!" he tells me. "Like 1000 BC". He thinks it's hilarious. I'm like oh thanks, next time I need to feel bad I'll just remember you said that. "You want me to write it down?", he laughs. Yeah, he's a smart ass. I think he get's that from me.

A son and Iron Man jammies, best day of my life!

I haven't been keeping up with my blog. I'm like that though, I lose interest or get distracted, or lazy, whatever. But here I am. A lot has happened since I last wrote. A LOT!

Biggest news, I became a PARENT. Yup, that's right, a parent. And I have to say, it's been exactly 2 weeks since we brought our boyo home and I love him with every fiber of my being. I look at him and I marvel at how perfect he is. When he smiles I get the proudest feeling. Because he didn't used to do that. Smile.

I can't get into particulars, we are bound by confidentiality laws until our adoption goes through, but I can say, he wasn't very happy where he was. And now, he's a normal, though sensitive, 12 year old. He plays video games as often as he can get away with, and with me as a parent he gets away with it a lot, because I dig video games too. So I'm either playing with him or watching him and offering suggestions to help him. I read the screen while he slaughters zombies. He's too busy blasting away to read.

It's amazing how it happened, we got a phone call from our social worker asking us if we were willing to take a 12 year old boy as an emergency foster removal and keep him for about a week until they could find a foster home to put him in. We aren't foster parents. We are adoptive parents who are part of the fost/adopt program, which means we are adopting a child from the California foster care system. But in an emergency situation we can take in a child from another family that uses our adoption agency under respite. Respite would typically be used in situations where the adoptive family had to leave suddenly, say for a funeral, and couldn't take the child. Then you would take that kid for a few days or up to a week, until they came back. This situation was different, but we were still willing to help out. So we went to pick up this 12 year old and we were both nervous, we didn't know anything about being temporary parents and we didn't know anything about 12 year olds. Most of the kids in our lives are under 8.

So we go get him, long story short, he's awesome! Two days later we contacted our social worker and asked what we had to do to keep him. She had to contact his two social workers from the county and his lawyer, give them our homestudy and wait for them to approve us as adoptive parents. We held our breath, we prayed, we hoped and we got accepted! One week ago we signed permanent placement papers! It was the single best day of my entire life. I got a son and Iron Man jammies all in the same day. Score!

So now we wait the mandatory 6 months, then we can petition the court for adoption. We can't wait. We are so excited. We love getting to know this boy. This amazing, sweet, sensitive, funny, kind boy with the most amazing smile and the cutest dimples. We love hanging out with him. We have serious talks about what it all means, what it means to be a part of our family, what it means to have two moms, what it means that family is forever and we will be here for him, and for his children. I talk about when he's 16 and what kind of car we are going to get him, I talk to him about what he's gonna do when he grows up and how he's gonna come home from college every holiday, I tease him that he's going to live in my basement until he's 40 because I don't ever want him to leave. He reminded me we don't have a basement. I told him I would start digging. I want him to understand that this is his permanent home now and that we are all a family.

I think he gets it, but just in case he starts to doubt it, I will keep reminding him. Last night as I hugged him goodnight and told him I love him, he replied back, "I love you too". Second best day of my entire life. Gosh I dig this kid. And I just can't wait to see where we all end up. I'm sure that the teenage years are gonna be fun, hard, crazy, frustrating and all that. I know it's not always so easy, he's a human being with feelings that will come out in all kinds of ways, some of which may not be pleasant. It's OK. Bring it on. I'm a parent now. I can handle it. Well, with a lot of help from my amazing wife, I'm pretty sure I can handle it. Cuz we've got this parenting thing down.

Adoption sucks my will to live

Pretty sure I brought this up before, but just in case you aren't following along: we are in the process of adopting kids from the California foster system. It's called Fost/Adopt. We are using a private adoption agency instead of going directly through the county. We chose this route specifically because that means we get to choose kids from all of California, not just those in Riverside county where we live. It's taken us a year to get to this point which is where our homestudy is done and we are now waiting to be matched with kids.

The waiting is the hardest thing. Well almost as hard as when you find a kid you are interested in and you start to get excited thinking, these might be the ones. You tell yourself not to get your hopes up, but you do anyway, you just can't help it. Then you find out they were matched with another family. Yours just wasn't good enough. So you start wondering why? Why are we not good enough? Is it because the Social Workers think I'm not going to be a good enough mother? 'cause I think I am. I think I'm gonna be an excellent mother. I love kids. I mean seriously LOVE them. I would rather chill with kids and watch cartoons than hang with adults and make adult conversation most times. Kids are simpler, and they love me. No joke. Sara gets frustrated, "kids LOVE Sherri and I'm the one that does crafts with them and plays games. It's just because she's like a giant cartoon character". Well, she kind of has a point there. But seriously kids love me. And cats. Which is creepy because I hate cats and they will seek me out and rub all over me. Cats are creepy. Most kids aren't. Unless they are eating boogers. That creeps me out. I always tell them to put it back. That usually confuses them. No, I'm serious, put it BACK!

Ok, so wanna know my secret to making kids like me without even trying? I listen to them. That's it. I listen. Kids always have something to say. They want to be heard. So I try to get down on their level and just let them talk to me. And I look them straight in the eye and listen. Seems so simple. But if you watch other adults around kids they usually are so busy with their own lives they barely hear the constant chatter coming from the kids so I listen. When Jordyn tells me about what she did in school, I listen attentively and ask questions, Jerzi explains the wrong that was committed against her by her cousin Gavin I listen and sympathize. Mr.Jett explains his boo boo and it upsets him deeply, so I get a Sponge Bob band-aid and tuck him up next to me on the couch and we snuggle and watch Bob and Patrick do crazy underwater things in that pineapple under the sea.

Olivia likes to drape herself across my lap like i'm her personal lazy boy recliner, long legs dangling back and forth she looks earnestly in my eyes and tells me all about how they are working on the bar exercises in gymnastics and it's hard. Emily comes up and tries to tell me a very complicated story, involving lots of pausing and thinking as she get's her thoughts in order and perhaps chages directions a couple times, but she gets it out and I listen all the way through, then repeat back what she said and with a firm nod of her head and a little jutting out of her hip, she smiles triumphantly and runs off. Macks takes my hand and looks up at me with the most endearing big brown eyes ever and asks me a question. I answer earnestly and she smiles, holds my hand for a few more minutes than runs off to join her sisters in chaos, umm I mean fun. Marissa is my shining light, she's a little beacon of smiles. She smiles at me. She never stops smiling at me. Just sits and smiles at me and calls me Sara. Which I don't mind. I think it's cute. She has my favorite smile. She can call me anything she wants.

Mags is serious, very, very serious and oh my God she reminds me of myself at that age. Intelligent and needing challenge, unfocused at times, other times with laser focus. She talks to me very seriously. We talk about books and reading. She tells me about some books she has read and I ask her if she has read this one or that one. She explains the plot and the characters in details. She talks to me about her gymnastics and shows me her report card. She craves acknowledgment as she looks for me through the window after every fall from the bar and I smile at her encouragingly and give her thumbs up. She tells me later, "I kept falling off". I told her "so, you got right back up and tried again, that was awesome!" Then there is little Kai. Who could not love this little boy and his adorable laugh when his Nana grabs him and tickles him. He chuckles from his soul and lights up the room.

Tessa isn't sure what to think about me, our relationship is very new. But she's coming around, Caleb tells me he loves me in sign language because he just can't say the words yet, but I tell him I love him too and shower him with kisses while he squirms in his Missy's arms. I'm lucky to have had such great kids in my life. I miss them severely when I can't see them, which is just another heartbreak I get to endure. I wonder if I will ever get to have my own kids to love, every day. My own that can't be taken away from me. I want forever kids. Not just ones on loan that get taken back after you have fallen completely and utterly in love with them. That's why we didn't do foster care. Couldn't stand the idea of losing the kids after getting attached to them. Totally get that. It sucks. But so does this adoption thing. The waiting and the unknowing suck. If we make it through and get our family I may feel differently, but right now. I'm not a fan of the system. 28,000 children in the foster care system in LA county alone. 700 of which are up for adoption. And here we wait. Yeah, it sucks.

When a lie isn't really a lie

I had a group meeting today with parents who have or are in the process of adopting children from the foster care system.

The theme of the day was lying and what to do about it. As I listened to these parents talk about the frustration of dealing with children who lie so often I came to realize that none of them seemed to fully understand why these children lie so much. "to push your buttons, test their boundaries, push you away" these were all reasoning's by the parents. And not for the first time I looked around at them all and thought, "you just don't get it. None of you know what it feels like to be this kid" But I do. I was that kid.

When an abused child lies it's not a conscious decision, an act of defiance as an adoptive parent may believe. When a damaged child lies, it's instinctual, automatic, a way of protecting themselves. Because in the truth often lies the punishment: a child will lie to ward off retribution.

You can't expect a child who has been hurt in the past to come into an adoptive home and lose all instincts. And lying is an instinct. When an adult tells a lie it's a calculated decision - because we have learned that lying is wrong and therefore has consequences. A child doesn't have the mental capacity to reason that through and so an instinctual response is to lie. To protect themselves the only way they know how; by avoiding punishment. In a hurt child's mind they think "if they get mad I get hurt, if I admit I did something wrong they will hurt me" so the lies come out.

What adoptive parents often don't understand is that an automatic split second lie isn't a mark of a good liar. It's the mark of pure instinct. Deception takes thought, reasoning, time. If you ask your child, "did you do this?" and you get a split second lie, "no". That's not a child trying to be deceitful or "pushing your boundaries". That's survival instinct. And it can be something so basic as "did you brush your teeth?" Instantly they may say yes. But it's so fast as to be just an automatic response. More often than not they may be as surprised they lied as you are. So if you ask them "why did you lie?" and the answer is "I don't know". That's not just a way to make you angrier or to be obstinate. They really may just not know.