How are you feeling?

My cousin texted me one day and asked, "how are you feeling?". I pondered for a minute and replied back, "mentally, physically or emotionally?" because really with me you just never know.

I'm a walking, talking mood disorder. Sure, I'm on heavy medication to stabilize that, but there is no cure, I still swing back and forth, just not as high and low, as often, mostly like a gentle swing porch swinging kinda way. But some days, oh those days, when I am up and down and up and down, it's hard. It's hard to live it and it's hard to live with it. I often think about my friends and family that have chosen to stick by me through all these times. How time after time they have displayed patience, annoyance, understanding and love. I can't even begin to express how much that means to me.

I know I'm not the easiest person in the world to live with, and yet, my wife hangs in there, year after year. She nags me to take my pills, calls me out when I make up lame excuses as to why I didn't tell her I was out, picks up my prescriptions, monitors my intake so I don't end up like a celebrity tragedy minus the news coverage. She's just always there for me, even when I try to push her away. During my darkest times, I push and push and push, but every morning when I wake up there she is. I honestly would have left my crazy ass years ago. I feel guilty that she didn't and now she's stuck with me. I feel like a failure. I promised her a better future, now the future is here and it's worse. She should have left. But she didn't.

Physically I'm a mess. I'm trying to make that better. I've lost a lot of weight. About 75 pounds. I had to stop losing to try to let my skin catch up. Too much too fast is not a good thing. I'm working on building up the muscle underneath. I kinda slacked off, I keep injuring my hip. I so want to be a runner, but apparently my body just can't take the beating. So I'm going to shelve that goal, for now. Maybe later after I've toned up a bit.

I have arthritis, it sucks. It started in my early 20's which really just isn't fair and I let it control my life and used it as an excuse for way too many years. I took my health back last year. It's mine now and I have no more excuses. If I stay fat it's because I'm lazy, not because I have to. I know that now. I'm never going back. I may stay where I'm at now, but I'm never, ever going back.

Emotionally, it's about the same as the mentally. It fluctuates based on the mental status, but also just because I am really emotional to begin with. Like seriously I cry all the time. I cry at dog food commercials, I get teared up talking about my loved ones. I'm just sensitive. My grandma used to tell me, "you wear your heart on your sleeve", "you would give anyone the shirt off your back" and "you need to learn to toughen up or people are just going to hurt you". Yeah, I never could do it. So yah, I let people hurt me. I care too much, give too much, love too much, talk too much, hurt too much, laugh too much. Everything I do is just too much.

I'm guessing my cousin is sorry she asked.

Don't let go of that balloon!

Spent last weekend in Santa Maria with my sisters and brother-in-law David (who is soooo full of awesome it's just an honor to be in his company). I did an engagement photo shoot with my cousin Stacey, who is gorgeous by the way, so it was almost too easy to make them look great.

We left early Saturday morning for the trip. I got up about 6:00. Knowing Sara the way I do I know better than to wake her that early, so I put my headphones on, played some Train while I woke up. I was feeling kind of weird, kinda tired, but excited to go on our trip.

Finally got Sara up and her grumpy butt out of the house by 9:00, which by the way, is a miracle. We decided to stop at my sister Audrey's house in Santa Barbara to meet her new boyfriend Mike. By the time we got there I was tired and feeling wierder.

"I shoulda got some coffee", I said to Sara.

"Told ya", she replied a little too smugly.

Whatever. We get inside and I meet Mike. He seems like a really nice guy. I was excited to see my sis. I always get excited to see my little sisters. I love them. What can I say?

After visiting for a while we take off to head up to my sister Bev's house in Santa Maria. As we are leaving Sara says to me, "Can I tell you something without you getting mad?"

"Probably not, so just don't tell me."

"Why can't you just take it in the manner I mean it, not as a put down?"

"Because I can't, so unless it's life threatening, don't tell me".

"Well I'm going to tell you anyways", she declares, "you keep interrupting people. You interrupted Audrey like 5 times, and Mike too. He probably thinks you're rude".

"I did?"

"Yeah"

"Oh, I'm feeling kind of manic today", I grumbled, then proceeded to pout for at least 40 more miles. Cuz, yeah I don't like to be told when I do something wrong. I really don't take criticism well. And I do try really hard not to interrupt people when they are talking, but sometimes I just get carried away. Like that day.

So we finally make it to Bev's house and 5 minutes later Audrey walks in, she must drive REALLY fast because I know I was doing over 70 and left at least 15 minutes before her! We all decide to go hang out at a winery to do some wine tasting. My sisters like the wine, I like the pretty girls that go wine tasting and Sara likes hanging out with David and his complete and utter awesomeness. We hop in the car and head out. We are chatting away as we drive to the vineyard. We get out of the car and as we are walking in Sara grabs my hand and says to me, "babe what is wrong with you today?"

I'm like, "what?"

"You're all over the place, up, down, up. You're like a balloon that someone blew up and then let it go."

She was right. That was exactly how I was. I just couldn't even out. My moods were all over the place. I was waffling between manic and comatose. I was like the poster child for a bi-polar episode. But machine gun style. I was a living, breathing, walking roller coaster of moods. "The doctor changed my meds around, I think my body doesn't know what to do?"

We went in to the winery and I made my way outside to sit with David and and my dog-nephew Carson. The girls got their wine and we all sat and enjoyed the weather. I worked on staying calm and trying to get myself under control. I knew I had a photo shoot in a couple hours and I was worried that I was going to blow it. What if I was too scattered to do my job correctly? Lucky for me I had three amazing assistants (and David) who helped by holding light reflectors, suggesting poses, catching awkward looks or angles and generally just kept me grounded.Bev even scooped dog poo out of the way with a rock. That's going above and beyond! The photo shoot went off perfectly. The couple looked amazing and didn't think twice about following our suggestions or guidance.

Afterwords we went to dinner and had pizza and beer. I got a tiny bit tipsy, so I cut myself off quickly. I learned the hard way that psych meds and alcohol don't mix. We hung out, spent way too much time trying to figure out how to get the Wii to work so we could preview the pics I had shot that day, until I realized, duh, I shoot in RAW, we couldn't see them anyway. Oops. Then we watched some MMA action, me and David yelling at the TV like a couple nuts. But it was fun. It's always fun with my family.

Sunday I woke up and I knew that it was over. At least for now. I was stabilized. Completely and utterly wore out — bruised and swollen knees, aching legs and dog tired aside, at least for the time being I was just feeling normal. Well as close to normal as I ever get.

  This is my brother-in-law David. He is just full of the awesome.