Don't let go of that balloon!

Spent last weekend in Santa Maria with my sisters and brother-in-law David (who is soooo full of awesome it's just an honor to be in his company). I did an engagement photo shoot with my cousin Stacey, who is gorgeous by the way, so it was almost too easy to make them look great.

We left early Saturday morning for the trip. I got up about 6:00. Knowing Sara the way I do I know better than to wake her that early, so I put my headphones on, played some Train while I woke up. I was feeling kind of weird, kinda tired, but excited to go on our trip.

Finally got Sara up and her grumpy butt out of the house by 9:00, which by the way, is a miracle. We decided to stop at my sister Audrey's house in Santa Barbara to meet her new boyfriend Mike. By the time we got there I was tired and feeling wierder.

"I shoulda got some coffee", I said to Sara.

"Told ya", she replied a little too smugly.

Whatever. We get inside and I meet Mike. He seems like a really nice guy. I was excited to see my sis. I always get excited to see my little sisters. I love them. What can I say?

After visiting for a while we take off to head up to my sister Bev's house in Santa Maria. As we are leaving Sara says to me, "Can I tell you something without you getting mad?"

"Probably not, so just don't tell me."

"Why can't you just take it in the manner I mean it, not as a put down?"

"Because I can't, so unless it's life threatening, don't tell me".

"Well I'm going to tell you anyways", she declares, "you keep interrupting people. You interrupted Audrey like 5 times, and Mike too. He probably thinks you're rude".

"I did?"

"Yeah"

"Oh, I'm feeling kind of manic today", I grumbled, then proceeded to pout for at least 40 more miles. Cuz, yeah I don't like to be told when I do something wrong. I really don't take criticism well. And I do try really hard not to interrupt people when they are talking, but sometimes I just get carried away. Like that day.

So we finally make it to Bev's house and 5 minutes later Audrey walks in, she must drive REALLY fast because I know I was doing over 70 and left at least 15 minutes before her! We all decide to go hang out at a winery to do some wine tasting. My sisters like the wine, I like the pretty girls that go wine tasting and Sara likes hanging out with David and his complete and utter awesomeness. We hop in the car and head out. We are chatting away as we drive to the vineyard. We get out of the car and as we are walking in Sara grabs my hand and says to me, "babe what is wrong with you today?"

I'm like, "what?"

"You're all over the place, up, down, up. You're like a balloon that someone blew up and then let it go."

She was right. That was exactly how I was. I just couldn't even out. My moods were all over the place. I was waffling between manic and comatose. I was like the poster child for a bi-polar episode. But machine gun style. I was a living, breathing, walking roller coaster of moods. "The doctor changed my meds around, I think my body doesn't know what to do?"

We went in to the winery and I made my way outside to sit with David and and my dog-nephew Carson. The girls got their wine and we all sat and enjoyed the weather. I worked on staying calm and trying to get myself under control. I knew I had a photo shoot in a couple hours and I was worried that I was going to blow it. What if I was too scattered to do my job correctly? Lucky for me I had three amazing assistants (and David) who helped by holding light reflectors, suggesting poses, catching awkward looks or angles and generally just kept me grounded.Bev even scooped dog poo out of the way with a rock. That's going above and beyond! The photo shoot went off perfectly. The couple looked amazing and didn't think twice about following our suggestions or guidance.

Afterwords we went to dinner and had pizza and beer. I got a tiny bit tipsy, so I cut myself off quickly. I learned the hard way that psych meds and alcohol don't mix. We hung out, spent way too much time trying to figure out how to get the Wii to work so we could preview the pics I had shot that day, until I realized, duh, I shoot in RAW, we couldn't see them anyway. Oops. Then we watched some MMA action, me and David yelling at the TV like a couple nuts. But it was fun. It's always fun with my family.

Sunday I woke up and I knew that it was over. At least for now. I was stabilized. Completely and utterly wore out — bruised and swollen knees, aching legs and dog tired aside, at least for the time being I was just feeling normal. Well as close to normal as I ever get.

  This is my brother-in-law David. He is just full of the awesome.

Just me and my Psychiatrist

"So how have you been?", she asked.
"Fine"
"Any issues?"
"Nope"
"Any lows?
"No more than normal. A few, but manageable"
"When?"
"Right now"
"Any thoughts of hurting yourself?"
"Nope, not recently"
"Good"
"How about highs?"
"Yeah a few"
"What were those like?"
"ummm, just, you know, UP, but nothing like manic, or illegal", I shrugged my shoulders and laughed.
"Well, that's good", she smiled.

And that is how a session with my Doctor generally goes now. Then she asked what I've been up to, I told her I was training for a 5k and I may not survive it. We discussed the reasons, and I told her I decided to get my body and my mind in shape finally. She smiled and seemed genuinely happy with my answers. She asked for my advice on how I ate, what did I avoid. She's really nice. My last doctor never looked up from the prescription pad, just asked a few questions about side effects and answered a lengthy call. Then handed me my prescriptions for a 3 month supply and I was out the door.

I always found it kind of ironic that a Doctor will diagnose you with PTSD, Bi-polar presenting (which is a oblique way of saying your Bi-polar but your lows are so low that your baseline would be a normal person's low and your high's would be a normal person's baseline, I can't even get Bi-polar right apparently), severe clinical depression, then send you out the door with enough drugs to commit a very effective and painless suicide. Interesting. Not that I've thought about it. Much. Just saying. Some things are dumb.

I can see clearly now. Sorta.

Ever have one of those moments of complete clarity? You know the kind where your vision is so crystal clear and suddenly everything makes sense? Yeah, this isn't one of those moments.

Instead it's like I've been in a fog for the last couple years. Unable to find my way out, a little lost. I've just kind of coasted along with no purpose or direction. After a combination of bad luck and bad decisions I found myself having to start over and the task just seemed too hard, too impossible. Personal crisis after personal crisis just kept piling up on me until I thought I couldn't possibly take one more thing. I was like Eeyore, morose and pitiful. Always seeing things from the why me? side. I thought I wanted to be more Tigger-like. Bouncy and exuberant, but now I know what I truly want to be is Piglet. Yes, brave little Piglet.

"It is hard to be brave," said Piglet, sniffing slightly, "when you're only a very small animal." Yet Piglet -- with his keen eye for every pitfall -- is asked to be brave again and again. When it comes to problems or facing any Major Danger, one can always count on Piglet. Which brings us to the wisdom of the Taoist masters as revealed in the The Te of Piglet: The Virtue of the Small

I was diagnosed this year with a mental health disorder (or two but who's counting?). I've spent my whole life scared of that day. Scared that I would become my mom. My schizophrenic, alcoholic, drug addicted mother. I was scared to lose my mental capacity, which in my mind equaled my intelligence, something I've always been so proud of. I took it kind of hard, but at the same time I was relieved. I finally had an answer to what was wrong with me and Thank God it wasn't schizophrenia, my worst fear. I've spent this year dealing with my illness with a combination of drug therapy and psychotherapy. I'm a big fan of both. I think we have a handle on this, the fog may not have cleared totally but you know when you are driving in it and it starts getting thinner and thinner until you can see the road ahead, with just little wisps here and there obscuring your view? That's where I am now.

So now, I've decided that I'm tired of just getting swept along by bad luck, bad decisions, bad friends. I'm standing back up on my own two feet and taking my life back. This is MY year. I may decide to share, if you think you are up to it.

"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, "what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
"What's for breakfast? said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said Piglet.
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

This is how I am going to live my life this year. As if everyday is going to bring something exciting. As if a great discovery is just around the next bend. I am Piglet. Hear me squeek!