Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I can see clearly now. Sorta.

Ever have one of those moments of complete clarity? You know the kind where your vision is so crystal clear and suddenly everything makes sense? Yeah, this isn't one of those moments.

Instead it's like I've been in a fog for the last couple years. Unable to find my way out, a little lost. I've just kind of coasted along with no purpose or direction. After a combination of bad luck and bad decisions I found myself having to start over and the task just seemed too hard, too impossible. Personal crisis after personal crisis just kept piling up on me until I thought I couldn't possibly take one more thing. I was like Eeyore, morose and pitiful. Always seeing things from the why me? side. I thought I wanted to be more Tigger-like. Bouncy and exuberant, but now I know what I truly want to be is Piglet. Yes, brave little Piglet.

"It is hard to be brave," said Piglet, sniffing slightly, "when you're only a very small animal." Yet Piglet -- with his keen eye for every pitfall -- is asked to be brave again and again. When it comes to problems or facing any Major Danger, one can always count on Piglet. Which brings us to the wisdom of the Taoist masters as revealed in the The Te of Piglet: The Virtue of the Small
I was diagnosed this year with a mental health disorder (or two but who's counting?). I've spent my whole life scared of that day. Scared that I would become my mom. My schizophrenic, alcoholic, drug addicted mother. I was scared to lose my mental capacity, which in my mind equaled my intelligence, something I've always been so proud of. I took it kind of hard, but at the same time I was relieved. I finally had an answer to what was wrong with me and Thank God it wasn't schizophrenia, my worst fear. I've spent this year dealing with my illness with a combination of drug therapy and psychotherapy. I'm a big fan of both. I think we have a handle on this, the fog may not have cleared totally but you know when you are driving in it and it starts getting thinner and thinner until you can see the road ahead, with just little wisps here and there obscuring your view? That's where I am now.

So now, I've decided that I'm tired of just getting swept along by bad luck, bad decisions, bad friends. I'm standing back up on my own two feet and taking my life back. This is MY year. I may decide to share, if you think you are up to it.

"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, "what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
"What's for breakfast? said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said Piglet.
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

This is how I am going to live my life this year. As if everyday is going to bring something exciting. As if a great discovery is just around the next bend. I am Piglet. Hear me squeek!


  1. This IS your year Sher! I claim it with you and stand beside you to support you my friend. You have had the courage that many NEVER muster up - to face their demons, their fears, their challenges (be them mental illness, abuse, regrets, etc) You are choosing a very small and narrow path my friend - but it is on THIS path that you will find your true self, your truest desires and your real purpose - and it will ALL have a great impact on those around you within your world. You have embarked upon a great journey - difficult, not easy - remember the wide road is the easy one....but how boring....I can guarantee you that if you stick with it - this new "way of being and way of living" you WILL be a NEW person, on the match that healthy balanced person you're becoming on the outside! I love you my friend and I am proud that we get to walk beside one another on our journeys. ;-)

  2. Don't ever think your alone... There are many people suffering from Mental disorders, including myself. At first it is a hard thing to admit to one's self, but then with the medication and therapy you feel better, and wonder why you didn't do it sooner. Thanks for sharing.