Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Holidays are hard

Had a mini-breakdown yesterday. I'm fine. My wife stayed home with me, dried my tears and dragged me out of the bathroom to face the world. Christmas is a joyful time, but for me it is also a sorrowful time. It's a time when I get to be thankful for everything I have, but it's also a time I mourn for those I've lost.

I've been through a lot this year, more than I ever thought I could take. Somehow I did. I didn't do it alone. I had family, friends and my wife who each stood by me, picked me up when I fell, gave me a shoulder to cry on and shoved me in the right direction when I needed it. I cherish each of them. I'm thankful I made it through. But most of all I'm thankful for them.

As the new year approaches I don't know what's in store for us. The Christmas present I really wanted I didn't get - kids. The prospect isn't as hopeful as we thought. The kids I was closest to are out of reach. So I keep the door to the kids room closed and I don't go in unless I have to. That stupid Scooby Doo bedspread mocks me now.

I lost my dad in March. It was one of the hardest days in my life. Three days. Three days will forever haunt me - the day my grandma died, the day my grandpa died and the day my dad died. And on that day I felt so truly alone. I realized at that moment that I no longer had parents. It is one of the most difficult things in life. To realize that you no longer have that parental safety net. I'm thankful for my aunts, uncle and step-mom who have stepped up to help me by filling in that role.

So today I find myself tearing up for no apparent reason and I know it's OK. I'm emotional. If you know me, you know that's just who I am. I love hard. No holds barred, no holding back. When I love, I'm all in. Friends, family, spouse, maybe someday children. Doesn't matter - I love, I laugh, I hurt. It's all me.

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